When we were young.
Damn, Adele, do you know how to evoke emotion? This song makes my chest feel tight, and sends me into a bout of nostalgia. Please don't get me wrong - I am obsessed with life right now - so happy that I am pursuing my dream, over-the-moon to be with someone so loving and accepting and understanding, and whose arms I am feel at home in, and so grateful for the lessons I continue to learn in this frustrating place and time.
When I think of the past, though, it's almost always my year in Samoa. This means it is almost directly correlated with the time I met the Avocado farmer to the time I left him (to pursue myself which is pretty freaking badass). The beauty of that time was in the fleeting-ness of it. With every surreal morning waking up to a tropical storm, in a hammock with the ocean below, or to an unwelcome alarm to start off a day of fruit picking, I knew that those days were not forever. I felt free, wild, and really living. I was suddenly one of those people you meet who seems off their rocker, traveling to the ends of the world, but of whom you are secretly envious of, because what better way is there to live. It's because of those days that I have such strong passion and drive now, why I can understand so well what I want to achieve (vaguely), and why I can understand what it means to be a good friend. It is also why I get so unbelievably frustrated learning of the selfishness of people.
I also think of that farmer - and if I will be someone who sticks out in his head. Like was said in community "it's not like I ever wanted him back, I just wanted him to crawl back to me and to be able to say no to his face." There's the constant seeking of validation that gives me that feeling, not the best quality to have. Really serious question though - does anyone really believe those people who were in a wild love that they lost when they say 'I really wish them happiness'?
If our ending was so open - with no goodbye and no coming to terms with things closing, how can I ever be 100% content with his happiness? Maybe he's 1% still mine and I'm 1% still his, even if we never meet eachother again. Maybe that's life, and that makes us lucky. Maybe that allows me to be a better partner to the one I choose to share myself fully with.
There needs to be full discretion here, Graham was emotionally manipulative and sexist. Maybe that's where he holds the 1% of me.
In any case, how crazy is life when you stop to think about it for a minute? How scary is the fleetingness of it? How do we make our time count?
